


Evanesce

by TheMadnessofAquarius



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America is a depressed boi and he deserves better, Blood, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Germany/America - Freeform, Gore, M/M, Sad, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2020-06-03 17:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19468702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMadnessofAquarius/pseuds/TheMadnessofAquarius
Summary: Evanesce: to disappear gradually; vanish; fade away.Everyone notices him, always finding something to point out about him. Does he hide all of this behind a mask? Yes, he does. However, there is always that one person that sees his every move and every action. Is Alfred's mask of joy and happiness becoming more and more transparent by each day?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that this does have triggering content. I have written most of the very depressing scenes based off of my own personal experiences. This fanfiction isn't trying to glorify depression or self harm at all. I'm sorry if it will seem like that at some points within this story. Depression and anxiety are not cute nor beautiful, it's terrible and it tries it's hardest to destroy your life.  
> I hope you enjoy this story. :) Thank you.

He was at it again. In his room, staring up at the ceiling as his breathing normalized.

In for four.

Hold for five.

Out for seven.

Hold for eight, repeat.

This had become a daily routine after being called out for his nonsensical ideas during the meetings or just being dismissed and blocked from getting an actual idea out onto the table. What the other didn't know is how this actually affected him, causing pure anxiety to take control and pilot his every move, bringing him the place of comfort: his room, or when things are particularly bad: the small comfort of remembering of what it feels like to be alive. That pain that you feel like you can't show anyone because they just wouldn't understand. The only thing that he thought could understand him was a small blade that belonged to a casual pencil sharpener. That is the last place anyone would suspect, right? Today, unfortunately, was one of those days. The breathing exercises stopped working a while ago so after attempting the breathing for the last time, he just gave up and went straight to his desk.

"I mean, no one does care so it doesn't really matter what I do to myself." Alfred's eyes moistened, grabbing the small screwdriver from his desk drawer and the pencil sharpener that sat upon a stack of papers next to some pencils. 

Alfred took off his jacket, along with the hoodie he had underneath. He knew how to hide them, not one person knew what he would do to himself. Scars and newer fresh wounds just above the sleeve line on his shoulders. Of course, the pain hurt, be after a while Alfred got used to it, slowly pressing the blade into his skin and dragging it across multiple times, allowing the blood to start budding from the small slices. Tears finally started to flow down Alfred's cheeks. He was tired. Just so tired. "When will this all end?" he thought as silent sobs escaped his lips. 

Alfred soon slumped back over to his desk, placing everything back in their proper places, making it seem as nothing had happened at all. Grabbing some hand sanitizer on his night-stand, he squeezed some into his hands and quickly cleaned his cuts, making sure they don't get infected. He may want to die, but definitely not through disease.

He flopped upon his bed, closing his eyes as he cried himself to sleep, curled up in fetal position.

-time skip to the morning-

Alfred awoke to the light peering in through the crack in his curtains. He smiled. He's always liked the sun. It made him feel warm, wanted, and not so alone in this vast open world. Alfred smiled, knowing that soon he wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. Wasn't death the beginning of that life he truly wanted? He sighed, grabbing his glasses and looking at his phone. Realizing the time, Alfred jumped out of bed and threw on the same clothes he wore the day previous, not really caring if they were clean or not. He always had some sort of masculine fragrance to hide it if they didn't smell the cleanest. Not like any of this would matter soon. Just a few more days. Only a few more days of keeping up his broken mask to fool the world into thinking that he was just a bubbly idiotic nation that wasted space.

He dashed out of the house and hopped into his car, not even bothering to grab something to eat due to him already being behind schedule. Unlike what it appeared, Alfred hated being late. He'd actually prefer being an hour early, however, depression can cause many things to change. He absolutely hates being late, bit at this point, does it really matter? The drive there seemed to end faster than usual, not allowing him to mentally prepare for his own personal hell called "World Conferences". With every step, it seemed as if the doorways to each new area kept traveling farther and farther away. Alfred didn't even realize the person next to him, asking if he was okay until he felt a small tap on his shoulder, seeing Ludwig right there beside him. 

"Are you alright, Alfred?" 

Alfred felt the warm gaze from the other, "Yeah! I'm fine! The hero always knows what to do amiright?" There it is, that damn mask, the false persona.

Ludwig could always tell that there was something wrong with Alfred, it was like he was hiding a dark secret that he didn't want anyone to know, "Um, yeah..sure. We should probably take our seats now. The meeting is about to begin. If there is anything wrong, please do not hesitate to tell me."

He watched as Alfred lazily sauntered over to his assigned seat, directly across from himself. Ludwig began to think, "There is something wrong with him...I hate seeing him like that. I know, because I've been there before."

A/N So I hope that you all liked this first chapter. It's currently two in the morning and not even tired at all. As someone who does suffer from severe anxiety and depression, I do know what it is like to feel as if you are alone and all of those negative thoughts floating around your head. It really is hard, however, with medication, I'm currently doing a lot better than I was just about a month ago. Back in October, I was actually hospitalized due to a suicide attempt. I was in there for a week and I hated my whole entire time there. However, I did learn some things that have stuck with me all this way. All in all, if you are suffering, please know that you are not alone. This is not your final chapter in your life, you can't just stop the story there. There is always help, even if it doesn't seem like it. If anyone needs to talk to someone, I am always here to listen. Feel free to hit me up, if it means helping the next future celebrity or billionaire, so be it. I want to see you become the person that you have always dreamt of being. Please stay, so many more people love and care about you than you think.


	2. Feelings, What's That?

Alfred shifted in his seat as all of the nations presented their ideas. The meeting was going smoothly, which is a rare occurrence. The other nations, aside from Ludwig, didn't notice Alfred's unusually quiet demeanor. Many times he caught Ludwig glancing over at him with concern, but always quickly pretending like he wasn't looking as soon as Alfred caught him. Alfred continued to stare at the other nation, "Why is he staring at me? Why was he the only one to notice that there was something wrong?" He started to space out, his thoughts running wild. Did he like Ludwig? Yeah, of course, he did...as a friend? Maybe, just maybe more than a friend. No, even if he did, no one would ever want to be with someone like him. 

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't even realize that Arthur was trying to grab his attention. "Alfred Jones! I did not raise you to be like this! Damn, just pay attention, it's your turn to present anyway." Arthur huffed, throwing a pen at his head to pull him back into reality. Alfred just smiled, rubbing his head, "Heh, sorry about that Iggy! Thinking about the usual, you know? Hero stuff, and how I'm the best!"

"Don't call me that."

"Too bad."

Yao groaned from across, leaning back in his chair, "Come on, let's just get this over with. I don't even want to be here, much less hear Alfred's horrific ideas."

"Alright, that's enough!" Ludwig snapped, "Just let Alfred present and get his ideas out, everyone needs to go anyway. And you-" He pointed over to Arthur and Yao, "Be respectful. Don't forget that he is a world superpower and can easily take you out with one word. I'd be careful if I were you." The two nodded, kind of confused on why Ludwig of all people defended Alfred. Ludwig turned to Alfred, "It's alright, you can go up now, I'd love to hear what you have today."

On the inside, Alfred was screaming, he wanted to run out of the building and off a bridge, but now was not the time to make a scene. He sighed and walked up to the podium, placing a few papers and folders down. Was Yao right? Probably, seeing that no one listened to him. Not even his boss would. Alfred wants to do what he can for not only his country but the whole world as well. 

He looked at the front of his folder with his assigned topic labeled on the front: Global Warming/Climate Change. Alfred didn't want to listen to his boss anymore, he wasn't going to do shit for the country, so Alfred might as well do it himself, even if no one is going to help him.

Throughout his presentation, all Alfred wanted to do was just curl up in a corner and die. He could feel the judgemental stares from the other nations. This was the only presentation he was passionate about putting together, and even with all of the facts and logic that he had, everyone seemed to find something wrong with it and tell him how stupid he was. Everyone except for Ludwig. He seemed so entranced by the words Alfred was speaking, taking in every single little detail. Ludwig, along with Feliciano, were the only nations that gave positive feedback and constructive criticism to him and his presentation. 

Alfred could feel his voice cracking slightly as he spoke the last few words of his topic. However, not letting his cracked mask fall, he smiled brightly and laughed as if there was no sadness or depression there at all. He felt so hollow, only a few more days. Just wait and then it will be over. Alfred scurried out of the meeting as his eyes welled up. Ludwig looked at him with concern before quietly excusing himself from the room as well to make sure that Alfred was okay.

\----

Alfred could hear footsteps behind him and began running to the nearest restroom, locking himself inside. He slumped against the door, sliding onto the floor, his hand shaking as he scratched at his arm aggressively. Tears ran down his sunkissed cheeks. Alfred continued to sob on the restroom floor, his breathing becoming rapid, causing the lightheadedness to feel overwhelmingly dizzy.

All that could be heard were the sounds of Alfred's cries until a few light knocks on the door shattered the sound of his cries.

"Alfred, are you doing alright?" Ludwig's voice was filled with concern and comfort.

He decided to open the door, just enough for Ludwig to see half of his face. "...No, I don't think I am." His eyes were red and puffy and his hair was a mess from running his hands through his hair to keep it out of his face. 

Ludwig's gaze softened, "May I enter?"

Alfred opened up the door a bit wider for the other to enter, "I guess..."

All he could think about Alfred was how miserable he sounded. This did make sense for all of his actions during the meetings. They seemed a bit odd, especially because it seemed as if the young nation was holding some sort of burden, a feeling that Ludwig had felt way too many times before.

Alfred closed the door behind Ludwig and sank back down to the floor.

"Alfred-" Ludwig sighed, "Do want to talk about it?"

Alfred wiped his nose with his sleeve, "You're the only one that listens to me anyway. I don't see why not."

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that I never put this up! This chapter has been up on Wattpad for about a month now and it totally slipped my mind to put it on here. I hope y'all enjoy :")


	3. Perhaps I Have A Chance

"You're the only one that listens to me anyway. I don't see why not."  
\---  
Alfred sniffed again before speaking, "I've never told this to anyone before-" A single tear runs down his face, "but I guess I really don't have any choice." He paused, trying to gather all he can of his thoughts.

"It's alright, take your time." Ludwig softly smiles at Alfred, hoping to lift some stress off of him.

"I feel as if everything around me is crumbling, falling out of place," Alfred stutters, trying to control the constant shaking on his voice, "Everyone seems to hate me and the only reason why the others interact with me is for business or to find some way to insult me and bring me down. I've been trying so fucking hard to stay positive, but with all of this, I just can't do it anymore." Alfred could feel himself tense up as new thoughts blared loudly in his mind, "You're saying too much. Just stop talking. He isn't interested in what you are saying. Why would you think that Ludwig actually cares for you, it's quite obvious that he doesn't. Just end it all, you know that you want to. Move the date up, make it today. He's just pitying you, you don't matter. You're useless." Alfred shuts his eyes tightly and shakes his head. Can't those thoughts just go away? Why wouldn't they leave him alone?

Ludwig was shocked to hear this, but he could tell that Alfred wasn't telling the whole story. However, now isn't the time to pry. Now is the time to console the boy in front of him, to show him that at least he cares. To show that he cares about Alfred's wellbeing and health. "Alfred, I understand exactly what you're going through and I want to be there for you. You are worth so much more than you believe and you can't just leave us behind." Ludwig pulls Alfred into a warm embrace, stroking his hair. He could feel him shaking. 

There were other things that Ludwig had noticed about Alfred that worried him, like how he had dark bags underneath his eyes, his clothes obviously weren't cleaned for a while, and the last time Alfred had probably showered was about a week ago. He also seemed so much more distant and empty. Alfred isn't taking care of himself and Ludwig could tell, nor was he happy about it. All he could think was, "How can such a smart, charming, and sweet person such as Alfred be reduced to nothing? He hasn't done anything recently. All he wants to do is help." Ludwig helped Alfred to his feet, grabbing some paper towels from the dispenser and wiping the tears away from Alfred's face, "It should be break right now, so it would probably be a good idea to find you some water and something to eat." 

Alfred gave a small smile at this kind gesture, "Thank you. Thank you for being the only person to ever listen to me."

Ludwig gave Alfred a big smile,"You're welcome. I will always be one text or call away if you need me."

\---

Ludwig watched as Alfred walked away from the restroom. Then he felt something that he hadn't felt in a while: A need to protect Alfred. A need to care and love him. Was it possible that Ludwig could actually be in love with Alfred? 

\---

The dreaded meeting finally ended and all Alfred could think about was Ludwig's kindness. That definitely wasn't something that he encountered on a day to day basis, but it sure was welcomed. 

Alfred soon arrived home and instead of going straight to that pencil sharpener on his desk, he went straight to the bathroom. It was about time, maybe it was the light flutters in his chest or the fact that he had been shown decency for the first time in a while, but whatever it was, Alfred knew that he wanted to be around the German more often.

For the first time in a while, Alfred felt like he was on cloud nine, but of course, this wouldn't last for long. Alfred knew this, but ignored that and embraced what he had. Laundry was done and he finally took a shower. "Maybe, just maybe I have a chance with someone."

\---


	4. Doubts, Comfort, and Validation

Alfred woke up the next morning, that feeling from the night before had long since gone, leaving him empty on the inside. Slowly, dread hit him, causing panic for the meeting today. Thoughts rushed through Alfred's mind, "Maybe he doesn't care for me?"

He hopped out of bed, pacing around the room, "I think that I like him, but what is he doesn't feel the same way?"

Alfred quickly shoved those thoughts far from his mind, swiftly turning to his wardrobe, choosing some nice clean clothes for the day. He felt as if he needed to dress much nicer than usual. Alfred felt as if he needed to impress everyone, especially Ludwig, he didn't quite know why though.

The sky was covered in a thick sheet of grey clouds, making everything around Alfred look boring and dreary. Luckily, this meeting was only a few blocks away so walking seemed like the best option. Plus, Alfred didn't want to have to deal with getting gas for his car when it decides to rain later in the day.

\----

The meeting started at seven and Alfred was quite early this time around, arriving at around 6:40, allowing him to get situated as he watched all of the others trickle into the meeting hall.

Alfred could feel his anxiety spike, and his heart thumped as more nations arrived. At this point, he was just waiting for all of the insults and taunts to come hurling at him...but nothing happened.

Alfred looked up from where he was sitting, confused about the strange silence within the room, just to see everyone staring at Ludwig, who was way more irritated normal. His hair was a mess and he looked as if he had gotten no sleep at all. Instead of his usual contacts, they were replaced with a pair of dark grey glasses.

Ludwig shifted his gaze towards Alfred, giving him a soft smile. Alfred beamed at him, causing the other to look flustered, "Dear Lord, does he always have to smile like that?" Ludwig continued to speculate, his eyes darting around the room to make sure that no one noticed his noticeable change of mood. Of course, everyone noticed. More words passed within his subconscious, giving Ludwig even more of a reason to fantasize about how perfect Alfred is, despite his imperfections.

The entire meeting seemed to go on for an eternity, all of the presentations were very slow, despite the time limit for each being around three to four minutes. However, during this, two nations were distracted the whole time, giving each other glances and silently communicating through facial expressions. Ludwig and Alfred were those two distracted dorks, not bothering to pay attention to what was going on throughout the meeting.

Oh, how Alfred couldn't wait for the break. All he wanted to do was be in Ludwig's comforting arms again. Only a few more minutes, just a few more...And done! He mentally cheered to himself, getting excited to be around his all-time favorite person.

Alfred got up quickly and jogged toward Ludwig as he exited the room into the hallway. Without thinking, Alfred grabbed his hand.

And then he realized.

Ludwig just paused for a second, smirking as Alfred mentally panicked and blushed.

Ludwig stammered, "I think that we should probably go to a different room...just maybe." He then continued to lightly drag Alfred along with him into one of the cozy offices just down the hall.

"I need to talk to you about something..." Ludwig said nervously, his voice shaky, as the door clicked behind the two nations.

"What do you need to tell me?" Alfred was confused. He couldn't quite understand what was going on, did he do something wrong?

"I don't want you to hate me for saying this..." Ludwig ran his hands through his hair, "I don't even know how to say this either...dear Lord, this is embarrassing."

"I promise I won't hate you for whatever it is that you need to say. You can tell me anything."

Ludwig gently placed Alfred's hands in his own, "I know that you're going through some very hard times right now, and it feels like that no one is ever going to be there for you, but-" He paused, taking in a deep breath and closing his eyes.

Alfred just stood there, admiring the face of the taller man in front of him, "...Yes?"

"I want to be there for you whenever you need it. I want to take care of you." Ludwig pulled him closer to his chest, "I love you, Alfred. I want to stay by your side forever."

Alfred was taken aback by this statement, and no, he couldn't be mad at this. This was something that he was waiting for a while, waiting for the right time and the right person, and Ludwig was that person.

"I love you too, Ludwig"

Ludwig beamed, his eyes gleaming, "May I?"

Alfred nodded and leaned in closer, "Yes. Yes please."

As the two leaned in closer, they could feel their hearts beating fast against their chests. Ludwig's lips brushed gently across Alfred's, giving him a greater feeling of longing, leaving him wanting more. Time seemed to stop as soon as Alfred pulled Ludwig back in. they both wanted this to happen, but Alfred wanted it right there and then, unlike Ludwig, who was trying to take his time and was also quite nervous. Ludwig gave in and allowed the kiss to happen, seeing that it seemed as if Alfred knew what he was doing. Alfred did not know what he was doing but tried his best.

The two didn't notice the door open slightly as a curious Prussian and Canadian peeked inside the room. They both wondered where Alfred and Ludwig ran off to after the start of the meeting's break. Gilbert and Matthew were both shocked at what they saw: Alfred on Ludwig's lap and on of the wooden desk, with the desk lamp and books scattered across the floor.

Of course, Matthew just stared in utter shock as he saw the scene in front of him unfold while also trying to stop Gilbert from snapping pictures on his phone for blackmail. Classic Gilbert.

Matthew swiftly closed the door in front of him to give them the privacy that they secretly intruded on.

Matthew turned to Gilbert, "Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Yeah, perfect blackmail material!" Gilbert retorted, "I always knew that he was gay, but he'd always say otherwise. Luddy isn't a very good liar."

"Is blackmail all you care about?" He shot back, "Those two are our precious baby brothers who have found love for each other and all you care about is blackmail?"

"I mean-" Gilbert thought, "I'm very happy for him, but I want to embarrass him in front of all his friends!"

"You realize that isn't very acceptable. I won't allow that to happen." Matthew stated, hands on his hips. "Now, what you can do is find an appropriate time to sit down with him and talk about it... respectfully. I mean it, Gil." He nodded, knowing that if he got into Matthew's bad side, he would never see the light of day ever again.

"As for me, I'll just be catching Alfred off guard. Probably after dinner when we are cleaning up."

Back in the office, Ludwig and Alfred were talking quietly while holding each other on the small sofa inside the office.

Ludwig looked at the clock hanging above the door. There were only a few more minutes till the meeting started back up again. "We should probably get going, even though I would rather stay here with you."

Alfred grinned, "Well, do you think that they need us in there?" He firmly grasped Ludwig's hand, "We've already presented our ideas and it's not like we'd get anything done anyway."

He pondered this. Did Ludwig want to give up his stone-like mask just making himself distant from the one he loves? Ludwig was quite tired of keeping up his stoic mask, just so others couldn't see who he truly was.

"I guess that you're right. I would rather stay here with you instead."

All of the nations were murmuring to each other quietly until Ivan pipes up, "So this is quite the situation that we have here, isn't it?"

Then Francis chimed in, "Yes it is. It's not unusual for Alfred to be late, but Ludwig? Now that's unheard of!"

"I guess all we can do now is to continue without them..." Arthur states, then took a deep breath, "Unless someone knows where they could be " This caused Matthew and Gilbert to tense up and look at each other.

Then Gilbert quickly answered Arthur's question with a clever lie, "Luddy got sick so Alfred is bringing him home. They both thought that it would be better for everyone if that happened."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this chapter up on wattpad for a while and forgot to put it up here as well! I apologize for that. School has been very hectic lately and I've had a lot of things going on with my own mental health, I hope you all understand. It might be a while before I can update again because I really need to work on my grades and my own mental health. I'm sure that most will understand. Thank you! :)


	5. Useless Meetings, Gossip, and Texts

Everyone slowly turned towards Matthew, not realizing that he was in the room. Arthur was the first to speak, "well, I guess that having this meeting now will be totally useless and unnecessary for everyone..." He stood up from his seat and brushed off his shirt, "So, there is no reason to have this meeting anymore. I guess that you all are dismissed-" Arthur walked towards the door, speaking to himself, "-now I can finally go home and not have to be around anyone."

Gilbert and Matthew sighed in unison. Soon, they followed suit and left the room. If there is anything that they knew, it's that they shouldn't be the ones to out their brothers; losing the trust of family is the last thing that they wanted.

\----------

Alfred was laying in Ludwig's arms when heard quiet chatter from outside the office door. Turning his head, Alfred looked into Ludwig's closed eyes, "Hey...I think that the meeting is over?" Ludwig opened his eyes, glancing over at the clock, "Are you sure? It's not even close to the meeting's end?"

"Maybe the clock is wrong?"

"I don't think so..." Ludwig pulled his phone out, looking at the time, "My phone has the same-shiit"

Alfred cocked his head to the side, "What's wrong?"

"I got multiple texts from my brother, a few phone calls as well." He huffed as Alfred adjusted himself, "That's actually quite unlike him. The only reason why he would do that is if something serious happened." He rubbed his face, "I'm sorry Alfred, I have to go..." Alfred nodded, letting out a small squeak as he slid off Ludwig's lap, "It's alright, I understand. I should probably go back home before Mattie starts to freak out." He leans into Ludwig, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before dashing out of the office and down the road back home.

**Author's Note:**

> I do have this on Wattpad as well, I'm just trying to get a little more traffic with my writing. I Will probably also be posting my RusAme fic on here as well. So no worries, this wasn't stolen! :)  
> \--Allistair


End file.
